im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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