He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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