When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
