he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
