ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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