I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize