Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
