So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
