If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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