I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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