I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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