I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Randomize
