you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
