I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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