I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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