I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
What drink are we having for lunch?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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