I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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