i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
