I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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