Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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