yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
