i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
