My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
