dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
