I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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