We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
