I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
