so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
