Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize