Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
