Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
