Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
