I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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