either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm passing your future prison.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
