Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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