Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
