Pants 0. Shit 1.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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