Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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