I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
it's like iHOP with fire
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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