I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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