when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
