I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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