I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
