I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
