I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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