In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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