Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
