for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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