I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
