To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize