Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
