just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
