Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
