I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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