operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My liver just had a heart attack.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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