I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
