Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
