Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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