Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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