my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
