you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
