Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
