He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
